If you've ever gone underwear shopping IRL, you've likely found yourself in this situation: You're busy collecting enough pairs to fulfill a discount or promotion (5 for $25!) when you find your fingers filing between different layers of boyshort underwear. They're not thongs, but they're not briefs or bikinis either. They almost have enough material to be considered comfy, but somehow, they're more grating and irritating than even the tightest of thongs.
Boyshorts, hiphuggers, hipsters, cheekies... whatever you want to call them (a nuisance by any other name still chafe just as aggressively), these are basically piece-of-shit conspiracy theories of "underwear" that manage to be even less pleasant feeling than lighting yourself on fire. They're extremely rectangular in a way that tricks you into thinking they’ll be comfortable, but really, you'll just be walking around all day with an elastic band chilling in the middle of your ass.
In fact, boyshorts are the worst because they're pretending to be something they're not.
How dare retailers position boyshorts in between rows of briefs and bikinis, as if these bastardized shorts deserve to take up real estate in the “comfy” section? They don't! At least with legitimate boxer-briefs, the entirety of the bottom of your ass will be covered and even some of your thighs. And with thongs, you understand that the whole of your ass will be touching pant. But with boyshorts, you just have this awkward horizontal pantyline cutting from hip to hip, so an hour into your workday, the bottom half of your ass keeps slipping out and grazing your pants in a weird way.
Boyshorts are mullet thongs. They're dumbass flapping hip capes. Or, as my coworker Hannah Smothers describes them, they are literally just upside down ass cleavage.
And the very design of a boyshort is archaic, too. While waistlines have moved higher and higher over the years, boyshorts remain naively low-rise. Even as thongs creep higher and higher towards Borat-level thigh stirrup length, boyshorts remain rectangular, oppressive, and uncomfortable.
Also, I don't believe for one second that they "don't show panty lines." I don't know who is responsible for starting this rumor, but it's time for us to all take responsibility and show, like, an ounce of curiosity in this world and question this theory. Think about it: if you have this shelf of a panty line at the equator of your ass, HOW on earth would that not show through?
The only way to minimize—not even eliminate, just minimize—a panty line is to make the underwear out of that flimsy "seamless" material everyone is peddling these days, which is problematic for two reasons. One, the slicker and smoother this polyester felony is, the more likely it is to ride up your butt cheeks and hang out at your waist, in which case, congrats on playing yourself into this hula hoop of a wedgie situation.
Two, synthetic fabrics like those used in "seamless" panties can trap moisture leading to an increased risk of vaginal infection. Cotton is your best bet, but cotton is thicker and leads to a panty line, so it's like, WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO? I guess you just sit there baking in your own potential yeast infection with the bulk of your underwear hanging out up by your navel.
See? I'm legit physically annoyed just thinking about boyshort underwear right now.
As for good alternatives, personally, I'm a full bikini girl when sleeping and lounging; thongs during the day time. (Yes, I wear up to three pairs of underwear per day, and yes, I'm happy with the choices I've made.) When I'm on my period, I'll fuck with Thinx's boxer-briefs (called "Boyshorts" on their site, but again, these boxer briefs cover the entirety of your ass and hit your thighs). I truly think I'm amenable to all types of underwear, except a "cheeky," "hipster," "hiphugging," "boyshort."
Not that you asked, but:
Actually Good Underwear I Stand By
So these are technically 95% cotton and 5% spandex, but they're still breathable AF and are super comfy. These are my go-to every day underwear for ~lounging~ and sleep. The elastic on the waistband is a bit thicker so you won't have as much pinching, but they're also sturdy enough to hold in place all day without any need for rearranging or wedgie-picking.
The OG of comfy undies. They're 100% cotton, tagless, and pretty comfy. I prefer the "cotton stretch" ones to these, but in a pinch, these are good too. Miles above any boyshort, that's for sure. Plus the "Hanes" label is kinda normcore fun too.
Look, for years I did Victoria's Secret and Aerie thongs because they were such a steal, but once I finally decided to try a Cosabella thong, I was hooked. It feels so much better and they hold up way better after washes too. I know $21+ is kind of silly when you can get those 5 for $25 deals, but I promise you, it's worth it. I also like that these aren't too low-rise, so you don't have to worry about picking it out of your butt crack all day.
Century 21 (a NYC-specific version of TJ Maxx, of which Cardi B is a fan) usually always has some good Cosabella thong options as well. While Century 21 might only have physical stores in NYC, thankfully, they've got a website where you can stock up too. This thong is $13, compared to the normal Cosabella price of around $20.
Thinx Boxer Briefs That Will Actually Make Sleeping on Your Period Tolerable
Fucking LATER to bulky overnight pads as long as your arm. These are my go-to when I'm on my period as they hold up to two tampons worth of blood while keeping you dry (magic). I love these because I know for SURE I won't mess up my sheets when I've got these puppies on.
Look, at the end of the day, it's your underwear, so it's your call. If boyshorts are comfortable for you and make you feel sexy, I love that for you!
I'm just saying that they do nothing for me, and I think retailers should know this. If they're going to keep making them (which looks that way, considering we're already mounting the end of the high-waist fashion cycle and low-rise boyshorts continue beating on against the current) at least maybe they can improve them.
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