Yesterday, if someone had asked me to recall the most unappetizing drink I could think of, I’d have said kombucha.
Not just any kombucha – I’m partial to a raspberry-flavored drop in a pretty artisan bottle (I’m a millennial, sue me) – no, the kind of kombucha that hardcore “live off the land but in urban spaces” people make.
You might never have had an occasion to see said kombucha in its native form, but it relies on something called “scobie,” which looks – how do I put this delicately – like someone pleasured themselves into your beverage.
But that was yesterday. Sweet, innocent yesterday, where birds sang and puppies played and I didn’t know that something called “vagina beer” existed.
Yep, you read that right: vagina beer.
Brewers in Poland have developed a fermented drop made from the vaginal lactic acid of beautiful women.
The Warsaw brewery – called “The Order Of Yoni” – launched the lager in the Polish city of Katowice on July 28.
“Imagine the woman of your dreams, your object of desire,” the beer’s website says.
“Her charm, her sensuality, her passion…Try how she tastes, feel her smell, hear her voice…”
Hold up – her charm? I find Dame Judy Dench charming, but with all due respect to the icon, the last way in which I want to indulge my fondness for her is by knocking the froth off the top of a coldie that’s been anywhere near her lady garden.
“Now imagine her giving you a passionate massage and gently whispering anything you’d like to hear,” the site continues, and now I feel like I’m having phone sex with a laptop screen. “Now free your fantasies and imagine all of that can be closed in a bottle of beer. A golden drink brewed with her lure and grace and flavored with wild instincts. Imagine a beer which every sip offers a rendezvous with this hot woman of your dreams…she hugs you and kisses you gently, looking straight into your eyes…How much would you give for such a beer?”
I get that I’m not their target audience, but I’ll answer this rhetorical question: nothing. I would pay nothing for this beer. In fact, I’d give you my kid’s university savings just to ensure that yeasty abomination doesn’t come anywhere near my face.
Wojtek Mann is the founder of the brewery and he helped lay out exactly how the beverage is made. Mann described the process by which a gynecologist took smears from their two ‘hot’ models, Paulina and Monika and had the lactic acid bacteria isolated in a lab.
The website further explains the process…sort of: “The secret of the beer lies in her vagina. Using hi-tech microbiological techniques, we isolate, examine and prepare lactic acid bacteria from the vagina of a unique woman.”
Oh. right.
Look, I’m not trying to kink-shame anyone. What goes down between consenting adults is none of my business.
The fact remains, however, that the skeeze factor on this is high and I can’t help but think that there would never be a product where the genders were reversed.
A quick straw poll of my girlfriends has come back unanimously not in favor of a Prosecco made from the crotch sweat of former bachelors, which, frankly, is a relief.
If you are keen for a taste test of vagina beer, it’ll set you back $6.80, as well as a ticket to Poland – so it might be worth waiting to see if it goes global first.