With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, Modern Philosophers, I thought it was time for another of my extremely helpful Dating Tips posts.

In this case, however, I want to prepare you for one of the worst of all the worst case dating scenarios: What to do when you forgot Valentine’s Day.

It happens more than you’d think, which is hard to believe given that the holiday falls on February 14th every year.

Since Valentine’s Day is basically the Super Bowl of Dating, forgetting it is a major relationship killer.

I think it goes without saying that this post is aimed at my male readers because everyone knows that a woman would never forget Valentine’s Day.

So in the event you do the unthinkable, here are some tips that very well might save you from the wrath of an extremely disappointed significant other.

Give her your wallet and ATM code.  While money can’t buy you love, it might be able to buy you a stay of execution.  You forgot to get her a present, and the penalty for that is losing all your money.  She deserves it given what you’ve just put her through, and you’d better pray that her subsequent shopping spree exhausts her to the point that she has no energy left to murder you when she returns.

Take her to a fancy restaurant.  Even if you forgot to get her a gift, you can still salvage the day by pretending that you had planned to take her out for the most amazing dinner she’s ever had.  The restaurant should have a name that you either can’t pronounce, or whose irony is completely lost on you.  Wear a tie and jacket, don’t make a single comment about the menu prices, and let her order anything she wants.

Booze. Booze. Booze.  Get her drunk and hope that she either forgets what you did, or does something so embarrassing while drunk that it evens the playing field.  If this doesn’t work, at least being tanked will dull the pain when she dumps you.

Propose.  If you ask her to marry you, that’s all she’ll remember about the day.  She’ll be too hysterical from the excitement to recall that you forgot to get her a gift.  Or an engagement ring.  Explain that there’s no ring because you want to pick it out together to make sure the ring she’s going to wear for the rest of her life is absolutely perfect.  Sure, proposing is a big step, but forgetting Valentine’s Day is an unforgivable sin that will most likely lead to the end of your relationship.  If you want to fix a mistake that huge, you’ve got to apply a diamond band-aid.

Make her dinner.  If you can’t get that last second, desperation table at a fancy restaurant, take her to your kitchen.  Every man knows how to make a couple of meals.  It doesn’t have to end up on the cover of Gourmet Magazine because the real gift here is that you are cooking for her.  Go as basic as spaghetti and garlic bread made from leftover bagels if you have to, just make a huge production out of it.  Leave behind an incredible mess in the kitchen, and assure her that you are going to clean it up after you eat.  Doing the dishes is the clincher here, guys.  If she gets food poisoning from your cooking, hold her hand all night at the ER while she waits to have her stomach pumped.  She’ll tell all her friends that you are a modern day Prince Charming.

All the chocolate.  Run out and buy her every last bit of chocolate you can find.  Even the weird fruits covered in chocolate.  Hit up the concession stand at the movie theater if you get desperate, as that is the one place in town that never runs out of chocolate on Valentine’s Day.  Chocolate has a magical effect on females, and if your special gal eats enough of it, the ensuing chocolate coma might lead to Valentine’s Day amnesia.

Write her something.  Being a writer has never come in more handy than on a special occasion.  The written word is almost as powerful on Valentine’s Day than an arrow from Cupid’s quiver.  Poetry is ideal, but you can pretty much put words on paper in any form, utter the words “I wrote this for you”, and she will melt.  Regardless of how mad she is.  There’s something in the female DNA that swoons at the written word.  Praise Zeus!

Move far away.  The last option is almost as drastic as proposing, but it might be your only hope.  If you forget Valentine’s Day, you really deserve any punishment that your better half chooses to dole out.  If you don’t think you can handle it, move away.  Far away.  You should probably change your name, dye your hair, and consider plastic surgery.  Check over your shoulder for the rest of your life because a woman forgotten on Valentine’s Day is never going to forget the man who did that to her.

I hope for your sake that you never have to put this list to use, but if you do, good luck.  Goodbye if you decide to go with the last suggestion.

Happy Valentine’s Day.  Never forget how lucky you are that love found you!

We don’t have to go steady, but you can follow me on Pinterest…