I’m sorry to do this to you but this is yet another piece on “Just Not Sorry” because I just don’t quite get it, apologies. I know you’re busy, so I’ll keep it brief. Here is my problem: when did being polite become a bad thing?
In case you’ve missed it, Just Not Sorry is a Google Chrome extension that highlights keywords and phrases in your emails that might undermine the point you’re trying to make. It was devised by Tami Reiss at Cyrus Innovation after a discussion at a networking event. The women present all admitted they had a tendency to use the words “just” and “sorry” when they didn’t really mean them. They worried that this made them look like a pushover in the office and stopped them gaining the respect they deserve.
I like a woman who sees a problem and wants to fix it, so credit to Reiss for coming up with a practical, simple and efficient way for getting around this. Except that these good intentions have unintentionally led us further down the road to hell. In accepting that a woman’s vocal and written characteristics are holding her back, what we’re really saying is that it’s still a man’s world and to win in it, you have to act, sound and write like a man. How depressing.
As the editor of section called Women in Leadership, I spend a lot of time thinking, talking and writing about how we get more women higher up the career ladder. Like Just Not Sorry, there are lots of brilliant ideas, apps, schemes, programmes and courses designed to do just that. There are very few ideas, apps, schemes, programmes and courses questioning whether the world we’re in is really as good as it could be. Or if, in fact, it couldn’t benefit from adopting some of those characteristics we’re so quick to deem “feminine”. I, for one, appreciate a bit of politeness in my emails.
Over the years I have had men give me such sage advice as, “whenever someone at works asks how you are, remember to reply with, ‘so busy, so much going on’. Never say you’ve got it all under control.” Apparently being efficient, actually getting stuff done and having a calm approach to your work isn’t seen as dynamic enough.
Another favourite piece of wisdom is, “never thank someone for their time. Your time is just as important as theirs”. I value my time as much as the next person but I can say with no false modesty that, sometimes, it is less valuable than the people I meet with. And regardless, if you’re using your time wisely you should get something out of nearly every meeting you have, be grateful for that. Thanking people for their time isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s polite.
If being successful in a man’s world means emulating the worst traits of those men, then I’ll take middle of the road thanks. Rather than holding our hands up and apologising for our choice of words, let’s stand up for them. Let’s stand up for taking people’s feelings into consideration when we speak, for not seeing arrogance as a virtue, for thanking people for their contributions and for being sorry for putting our work onto other people. Let’s stop apologising for being women and instead demand that men behave differently.
For future reference, when I say any of the following, this is what I actually mean:
“Just ...”
Don’t worry, this email isn’t there to add to your ever-growing workload, it’s going to quickly inform you about something or ask for a small request. You can deal with this email in seconds, please do so.
“Sorry ...”
You’re busy, you’re important to me (regardless of where you are in the hierarchy) and I appreciate how much you do. I wish I didn’t have to add more to your workload. But I do.
“Would you mind ...”
You probably don’t have a choice in what I’m about to ask you to do but if there is a genuine objection then I’m giving you an out now. Make sure the excuse is a good one.
“Sorry to cut you off but ...”
I’m not sorry and I wouldn’t be doing it, if you’d just let me get a word in. Rather than pointing out what an obnoxious buffoon you’re being and embarrassing you in front of everyone, I’m trying to subtly point it out to you. Take the hint.
“I’m not an expert in this ...”
I’m not an expert in this but anyone can see your suggestion is ludicrous. Come up with a better one.