Robert Pattinson is supposed to be preparing to play Batman in The Batman. Instead he is microwaving pasta. Yes, pasta. As in pasta, the food—the thing you boil. In a blessedly entertaining new cover story for GQ, the actor demonstrates his pasta-microwaving capabilities and reveals that in 2019, he spent a not-inconsequential amount of time trying to become a pasta entrepreneur by asking himself an eternal question: “How do you make a pasta which you can hold in your hand?”
The actor, who apparently hopes to diversify beyond his work on the big screen, said he had been wondering how to give pasta “the same kind of fast-food credentials as burgers and pizza.” Pattinson allegedly went so far as to brainstorm a type of handheld pasta, as well as a name for his venture: Piccolini Cuscino, which means “little pillow” in Italian. Because he is a famous person, Pattinson was able to bring his idea to Lele Massimini, the cofounder of sushi hot spot Sugarfish and proprietor of pasta bar Uovo.
“I told him my business plan, and his facial expression didn’t even change afterwards,” Pattinson said of the meeting. “Let alone acknowledge what my plan was. There was absolutely no sign of anything from him, literally. And so it kind of put me off a little bit.” Massimini confirmed the story to GQ, saying, “It’s 100% true, everything he told you.”
So what is the Pattinson-designed pasta sandwich? Well, the Tenet star—who is currently subsisting on a Batman-enforced meal plan of oatmeal with protein and the like—went ahead and made it for GQ during his interview. He began by microwaving penne pasta, which he then dumped into foil, which he had smothered in layers of cheese and sugar. “It really needs a sugar crust,” Pattinson explained. He also added a layer of crushed cornflakes (he didn’t have breadcrumbs), then eventually topped it all with a hamburger bun, which had been burned with the initials “PC.”
“I’m really trying to sell this company,” Pattinson said. “I’m doing this for my brand.”
Look: If you are not spending your coronavirus-enforced quarantine trying to reinvent pasta, then you are simply not on Pattinson’s level. Unfortunately, after shoving his pasta-vention into an oven that might or might not have actually been a microwave, he broke the appliance, according to GQ; a final taste test could not be achieved.
Does this sound like a piece of performance art secretly orchestrated by Josh and Benny Safdie? Absolutely. Maybe the Pasta Scheme is Pattinson’s much lower-stakes version of I’m Still Here, quietly trading Joaquin Phoenix’s fake rap mockumentary for a long, slow inside joke that has spilled onto the pages of GQ. Can you imagine Pattinson taking his idea to Shark Tank? A chorus of “I’m out” would sound around the room, setting a record for fastest shark rejection ever. Mark Cuban and Daymond John would toss Pattinson’s little pillow back and forth like a hot potato, while Barbara Corcoran egged them on, offering a 2% share in her latest venture if they just take a nibble. Lori Greiner would make a little joke about how she can’t see this selling on QVC, then lower her voice and ask Pattinson if he’s actually okay. Kevin O’Leary would have left the room the second the presentation started. Thank God Pattinson’s got a movie career to fall back on.
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