Forget mullets and man-buns – only one hairstyle for men is truly unforgivable

Now that mullets and man-buns have been redeemed by hipsters, is there any men’s hairstyle that is simply unforgivable?

Joe, by email

Obviously, Joe, the answer to your question is yes, but first I must take issue with your contention that mullets and man-buns have been “redeemed” by hipsters and that this now makes them OK. Repeat after me, Joe: just because something has been in GQ does not make it good. In fact, some might argue that it proves the contrary, but that is a subject for another day. The point is that it would go against everything I stand for if I let you walk away thinking a man-bun is acceptable because Shia LaBoeuf is wearing one in GQ, Esquire, or whatever magazine you picked up in the dentist’s waiting room. (Mullets, actually, I have a soft spot for, although a formative crush on Patrick Swayze may be to blame for that.)

But let’s talk about a genuinely unforgivable men’s hairstyle, which I call “rich asshole” hair. You know the kind: the weird-slicked-back hair that you thought only someone dressing up as Gordon Gekko for Halloween would adopt. It is an extraordinary look, that wet, shellacked look, and just the ticket if you prefer to look as if you are sporting the shell of a polished walnut on your head instead of actual hair. Who on earth would want to look like that, you cry? Rich assholes is the answer!

The currently somewhat beleaguered Donald Trump Jr, as well as his younger brother, Eric, are probably the most high-profile US fans of the style since Patrick Bateman. I had thought British supporters of the look had disappeared with the glory days of Alan B’Stard, but then a chap by the name of James Stunt came to my attention. Stunt, a name that confirms cockney rhyming slang is alive and well in this country, is the imminently ex-husband of Petra Ecclestone, and a man so extraordinary that he has managed to make his soon-to-be-ex-father-in-law, Bernie Ecclestone, the sympathetic, sensible, good guy in this scenario. Hats off, James, for this incredible feat.

As this is a divorce case involving £5.5bn and more lawyers than I can shake a libel breach at, I shall pick my way carefully through the details of the life of Stunt, sticking to the highlights.

1 I first became aware of Stunt in 2014 when photos emerged of him going for a casual afternoon shopping trip in London. This trip necessitated him taking his £350,000 Lamborghini while his security staff drove behind him in a fleet of Rolls-Royces and Range Rovers. At once, I knew I had found my new favourite Z-lister.

2 Further investigation revealed that Stunt lived with his wife in the TV producer Aaron Spelling’s former house in LA, which was exciting for me because I have been fascinated with this 123-room house for decades, ever since I read that it included a gift-wrapping room for Spelling’s wife. The Ecclestone-Stunts bought it for $85m. They also bought a £70m mansion in Chelsea, and, because that seemed a little poky, spent another £25m adding an underground car park and a pool. No word yet on whether it came with a gift-wrapping room.

3 According to the Daily Mail, which has a real way with words when it comes to sticking in the knife, Stunt tried to cultivate a “man-of-mystery act, but fluctuating weight and a preference for shiny suits combine to give him the air of a David Brent rather than a James Bond”.

4 Proving this column’s long-held theory that the bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage, the wedding cost £12m and their union has lasted less than six years, working out at £2m per year of wedded bliss. Yes, I can do maths.

5 It then emerged that Stunt was – and some of you might have seen this coming – a complete schmuck.

6 Newspapers reported that at Stunt and Ecclestone’s divorce hearing he “appeared to make a gun gesture at his father-in-law and knocked into him”. He then addressed Bernie using a term I suspect Stunt is familiar with.

7 Bernie is said to be “thrilled” that he will no longer have to put up with Stunt at family events. I have never felt more sympathy for Bernie.

8 Did I forget to mention that Stunt is never photographed without a dirty plastic water bottle filled with some kind of cloudy liquid which is allegedly lemon, cayenne pepper and maple syrup? I think I did.

9 Oh, and he is fond of giving the finger to photographers, because that’s the kind of classy guy he is.

So, what I am saying, people, is do not think of “rich asshole” hair as hair, but more as a thoughtful warning not to go anywhere near this person. Spot the slicked-back hair on Tinder? Learn from Petra (a phrase I never thought I would say) and two words, ladies: swipe left.

Ask Hadley, The Guardian, Kings Place, 90 York Way, London N1 9GU. Email ask.hadley@theguardian.com.